


The Tired Mind Can Be A Dangerous Place To Dwell

by TheSeeingStar



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Episode 91 Spoilers, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22342978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSeeingStar/pseuds/TheSeeingStar
Summary: After the events of episode 91, Caleb unsurprisingly finds he can't sleep. While trying to rid himself of his insomnia by thinking back over the past 24 hours, he accidentally unearths a startling possibility...
Comments: 3
Kudos: 106





	The Tired Mind Can Be A Dangerous Place To Dwell

**Author's Note:**

> Just a mad fan theory really, but I so badly wanted to write something after that amazing episode.

Caleb can’t sleep.

Not an unusual problem for him, but after the events of today he is exhausted, and could really have done with the rest. His mind just won’t shut off, thoughts and emotions crowding in on him uncomfortably, heightening his anxiety. There’s been something niggling at him since last night, something about their conversation with Essek that he can’t quite put his finger on.

And of course, he can’t stop thinking about Nott. Poor, poor Nott. After all her reservations, her fear of the consequences of changing, to have taken such an enormously brave step in agreeing to undergo the transition from goblin back to halfling... for it not only to come to nothing, but to end like that.

Caleb shivers involuntarily at the memory of the evil cackling laughter that filled his mind as the spell failed, as though the old woman had been in the room with them. As though he could hear her even now, going over what had happened again in his head...

_Looking at Nott cowering inside the cracked clay trough, he knew from the abject terror on her face that she had heard the laughter too._

_They locked eyes, hers wide with terror, her small form shaking violently as she gasped for breath as though she were drowning all over again. The rest of the Nein crowded around her, all asking at once "are you ok?" "what happened?". But all Caleb could do was stand rigidly still, staring unseeingly at a point on the wall opposite as his mind raced._

" _Caleb, what the fuck man?" He distantly heard Beau cry almost accusingly from beside Nott. He could hear all of them talking, wondering, questioning, but it was as though their voices were muffled, as though they were underwater, the rushing in his ears growing louder, and louder, and louder..._

_"Caleb?" A gentle hand on his arm brought him out of his shock with a jolt. "Are you alright?" Essek asked, his concern uncharacteristically evident in his usually composed eyes. He tried to answer but no words would form on his tongue._

_His attention suddenly snapped back to Nott, who was still in the tub but now had her face buried in her hands, talon-like nails clawing at her scalp. Without acknowledging the others in the room, he went to her, lifting her gently from the tub and kneeling on the intricately grooved floor to hold her tight against his chest._

_Immediately she curled into him, and hands fisted in his shirt, she started to sob. He rocked and shushed her through it, a hushed silence falling over the room. When her tears eventually began to subside, he noticed Caduceus sit quietly to begin brewing tea for everyone as they hovered, not knowing what to do or say. Even Essek stayed put instead of excusing himself, which surprised Caleb. He tucked that thought away for another day, his focus on his small friend wiping her eyes on his scarf._

" _I’m sorry Nott." He rasped out into her hair. She didn’t reply, and he realised she hadn’t said a single word since saying goodbye to him just before the spell had begun. He carried her back to the Xhorhaus cradled in his arms, her face buried in his neck as though she couldn’t face the world. The rest of the Nein followed close behind, their mood somber and helpless. By the time Caleb got her to her room she was already on the verge of sleep. He tried to set her down on the bed and leave but she clung to him, and so, he stayed._

He looks down at her now, nestled against his chest looking peaceful at last, Frumpkin softly purring tucked up against her other side. He can't imagine what she's going through, trapped in a body that isn’t hers, shadowed memories that seem to belong to another life clouding her past. There’s that niggle again, that persistent little flicker of something in the back of his brain that won’t quite make itself known.

Since he can’t sleep, and he can do no more for Nott tonight, he resolves to use this time to have a long hard think back over their discussion with Essek the previous night, to see if he might dislodge whatever it is that’s been bothering him.

He runs through the small talk of the evening, his near perfect recall invaluable in remembering the details of the conversation. The most obvious topic would seem to be that of using dunamancy to alter or manipulate time, something he has been desperate to get to grips with for years. He allows himself to fall down that rabbit hole for a while, going over what he had learnt anew. He's distracted for a while remembering Essek's thirst for knowledge, his earnest expression as they discussed the possible untapped power of the beacons. The way Essek's lovely violet eyes had seemed to bore into him at their shared desire to research the full potential of dunamancy...

 _Stay on task Widogast.._. he thinks to himself, feeling a flush creep up his neck.

He likes the drow, he’s attracted to him even, but his feelings are irrelevant if he’s honest with himself. They’re an inconvenience. Because the truth is, Caleb has always been manipulative. And with the possibility of saving his parent's lives at stake, he knows there isn’t much he wouldn’t do to further that goal.

So far it’s been easy. He’s used the Nein since the day he met them, first because there’s safety in numbers, and later to continue on the path they’ve apparently found themselves on here in Xhorhas. And because he’s grown to love every single member of their odd little group, it hasn’t felt so bad because he genuinely cares. He's been fascinated and gratified by Essek's apparent interest in him and his abilities, and in what the drow has taught him so far. How far that arrangement will go in future he doesn’t know. But what he is absolutely sure of, is that he would sleep with Essek to get what he wants if he needs to. Liking him will only make using him in that way feel even more despicable.

He knows difficult decisions are coming. He knows time is complex and incredibly dangerous to play around with. He knows that if he made it back to his past, his actions would likely affect the timeline irrevocably, and not necessarily for the better. But they’re his parents. What else can he do?

He shakes the thought away, since it’s obviously not the source of his current goal.

He runs back through their evening, the sharing of information back and forth, some trivial, some more important. Essek's apparent potential treason had been interesting. That he would advise them not to inform his own queen of something as important as a second Luxon had been a shock to say the least. Their subsequent exchange on the true intent of the Assembly, and of their connections to it.

His thoughts wander again unbidden, to Trent, and Ludinus, and Oremid Hass. To Astrid and Eodwulf, and his recent unexpectedly pleasant reunions with them. And there it is again, that strange little feeling like there's something big he’s missing. But what could Astrid and Eodwulf have to do with it?

 _Oh_. He feels his stomach flip as he begins to recount the previous part of the evening, Essek's attempts to explain why the beacons are so important to the Dynasty. The story of the children of Nogvurot.

His brain puts it all together slowly.

He’s always been aware that it was odd, the Soltryce Academy discovering the three of them all at once, when only individuals had been picked in Blumenthal before, and seldom at that. Now, this mad theory seems to click neatly and absurdly into place. Three children, all around the same age, plucked from a small, backwater town in early adolescence to study at the most prestigious school in the kingdom, which just happened to be tied to the Cerberus Assembly, and later taken under the wing of an Arch Mage he knows has a deep interest in the beacons.

What if the Empire had one much further back than just the past year or so? What if they had found one, or perhaps kept one, close to Blumenthal around the time that he, Astrid and Eodwulf had been born? It was mad, but at the same time it made a crude sort of sense.

He remembers barely anything of his time at the Asylum, and that's strange too. But Trent is powerful, and he’s cruel. Quite possibly capable of coming up with a way of suppressing memories beyond a simple Modify Memory spell. And Caleb starts to wonder, though he can’t believe he’s even thinking it, if maybe the whole thing was a set up by the Assembly to study the process of rebirth.

 _Absurd_. Of course he’s not a Xhorhassien trapped in an empire kid's body. He gives himself a shake to clear his mind.

Nott stirs in his arms at the sudden movement. "Are you ok Caleb? Your heart's beating really fast." Her little, gravelly, comfortingly familiar voice asks tiredly.

"I'm fine little one. Go back to sleep." He says, his voice sounding noticeably unconvincing to his own ears. He kisses the top of her head between her ears and rubs small circles over her back with his finger tips, hoping it will be soothing enough to stop her asking any more questions, Luckily for him, Nott is exhausted after her traumatic day, and she slips back into sleep immediately, quiet goblin snores and Frumpkin's raspy warm purrs filling the room with noise enough to comfort his nerves just a little.

In the end, Caleb doesn’t sleep at all that night.


End file.
